I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
