fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
not ubering you a puppy
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
