I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize