i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Two words: nipple clamps
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