It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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