I got chris browned last night
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Randomize
