Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
