I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
