I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
