and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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