I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
