I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
