I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
