I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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