that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
