Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
