Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
