i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
