Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is my gift to your gina
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
