Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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