Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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