My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
