she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize