your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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