What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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