I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
