therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
