So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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