you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
