put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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