Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
