Moan for me like Helen Keller
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
