Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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