im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
