help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
