You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
