He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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