I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
