I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
