I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
