I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
