Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
