Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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