4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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