You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
