I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
