only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
