This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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