We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
