If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
