Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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