Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
