I accidentally burped into my bong.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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