fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize