Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she told me i tasted like america
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize