Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
