Pants 0. Shit 1.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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