yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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