I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
