She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
