It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
