Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
